Curveball

 

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Life has thrown another curve ball my way and brought me to my knees for guidance from above….

Life is precious and short. 

In the blink of an eye…
a lifetime could pass you by..
everything can change…
So forgive often & love with all your heart…
You may never know if you will have the chance again


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As many of you know already my husbands grandmother passed January 21 unexpectedly. Her passing has caused me great pain inside that I have not shared with anyone. From someone who lost their grandfathers before I was even born and to loose both my grandmothers fairly young she became my Maw Maw. She had been battling dementia in the last few years of her life and was enjoying her new life in a great home that catered to her needs. She had an accident that left her with a broken hip and broken femur but she pulled through and had started physical therapy. All in all I thought for sure she was going to be fine, but sadly it did not turn out that way. The morning she passed she went to her PT as normal but asked if she could stop early because she was tired. The nurse said it was fine and took her back to her room to rest. The nurse got her all fixed up and said she would be back to check on her in a little while, when she returned she had passed in her sleep. I am forever grateful that she passed on her own terms and peacefully in her sleep. 

My heart is saddened from the loss. She was a very interesting woman and I loved to hear her stories. She would tell me all about her days as a child on the strawberry farm and her life up until Paw Paw had passed in 2004. The great adventures they took and the love of her family and church. I watched as her memory faded and she slowly forgot the things that meant so much to her. It was hard to watch my husbands family loose her that way. 

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The service was wonderful and the pastor made all the difference in the world as he knew Maw Maw Ruby personally. He brought an intimate setting to her service that I will never forget. It touched my soul and left me thinking. 

In a day that brought such chaos from the icy weather, closed bridges, freezing rain, nurse coming, infusion and my picc line dressing coming off a beautiful soul was laid to rest and a fire lit in me.


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My emotions from the service impacted me so intensely because of my own internal battle with my mortality. After finally receiving a diagnosis of Chronic Lyme Disease and Lupus my life has changed dramatically. I feel like I have went through stages that has left me where I am today. Not all are sunshine and happiness and not all are dark and depressing. Somewhere in between I had a breakthrough, but this loss set me back.

I started out with bittersweet emotions finding out I had Lyme Disease. I was grateful for FINALLY having an answer but saddened at the grandeur of the disease. I struggled with the acceptance from close family and friends. Still till this day there are people in my life that do not wish to learn or acknowledge the depth of Lyme and its impact on my life. I moved past the bitterness and tried to focus on the healing. This is easier said than done. Things that were going on in my personal life and in my family at the time just broke me. My whole world ceased to exist as I knew it. Things had changed and my heart was broken, my dreams shattered. 

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Something profound came out of this catastrophe, a new me. I had been broken for the last time, I could not fathom another moment of the past to haunt me. I had hit my rock bottom of emotions. Everything that I held dear was slipping from my grip. If it were not for a few true friends I do not know how I would have fared. Their words and guidance brought me from a place  of darkness to a warm place in the Lyme Light

(Kim, Kara, Deb & Jess I am forever grateful for your kindness & endless support <3)

I have described to my friends this experience that I had in a unique way. It was like being led to the water by the congregation for a cleansing of my soul, to be reborn. To be in the river and have my body thrust into the depths to wash away every bit of hurt and resentment that I carried with me. It was purifying and at the end everyone rejoiced in my new found empowerment. 

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I have never been more clear on my path than I am now. To me I was given the greatest gift. A gift of true forgiveness. Do not get me wrong I did not forget the terrible and unthinkable things that have been done to me but I no longer were going to let them define me. I have moved on from the hate, resentment, pain, isolation, betrayal and regret. I feel I have been unburdened by these debilitating emotions. I made it to the other side and I am so grateful. My conscious is finally cleared and my heart purged for a new beginning. 

My purpose and calling now is on healing my broken body and elevating my mind to utter peace. For the first time in my life I need to focus on ME. It is not about everyone else right now. This time…this time I need the help. I need the troops to rescue me. I do not seek your pity. I seek your wise words on your experiences, your words of encouragement, a helping hand when I can not get up on my own, an understanding that you don’t understand how this feels and offer support regardless without judging me, I seek unconditional friendship and love.

I am realizing how fragile my life is after the passing of Maw Maw Ruby. How in a blink of an eye it can be over. So why would I want to spend it dredging up the past and living in pain. I have moved on from that place but it brings me back to a sense of urgency to get well. I do not want my life to end on that note and this disease is not going to define me but RE-DEFINE my life.

I mean that only good is going to come from all that I am suffering and going to suffer. This disease has brought people from my past back into my life and started new friendships that will never be replaced or forgotten. 

A beautiful story is unfolding right before my eyes and this roller coaster is going full speed ahead!

Hold on tight…it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

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9 thoughts on “Curveball

  1. I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with grief at a time in your life that is already so difficult. I do not know how you feel, but I do know that being ill and at the same time losing my own two dearly loved grandmothers in a space of 2 months (September and October 2013) has been quite overwhelming. I often awaken after dreaming of my grandmas and sob until I can finally uncurl myself and get out of the bed. It’s so hard. I will say prayer that God strengthens and comforts you.

    • Thank you for the prayers they are always appreciated. I am so sorry to hear of your losses as well, it is hard to loose them so close together, I can see why it is very overwhelming. You will be in my thoughts and prayers! Hugs!

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