Stay Strong

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Yesterday I returned for my 6 week checkup after being diagnosed with Acute & Chronic Lyme Disease. I love that my doctor takes his time with me and listens carefully to everything I say so that he knows how to treat me best. This is something that I am not used to, as I am used to doctors calling me crazy lol. 

After being on all the medications for six weeks it has taken its toll on my body and my stomach. It has come to our attention that my pill intake has to be cut drastically down so that my stomach will calm down. The decision to start IV medications was made yesterday. I will now be taking my antibiotics by IV and only a small few by pill form. 

This is a huge step in progress for me. I desperately want to get better fast, but I know that I will get worse before I get better. It is just part of the process of killing this off and ALL the co-infections that I am plagued with. After going over all of the lab tests and symptoms it is clear how sick I really am and you would never know by looking at me. I can not stress enough how debilitating this disease is and how great it is at masking it all. I hate the famous line “well you don’t look sick”. That line makes me want to vomit and explode on someone.

I met a man from Arkansas while I was there and he was new to all this but had been suffering for about three years. We talked and talked about all the things that needed to be done and how great our doctor is and how effective his treatment plan is. He shared a little secret that most of us with an invisible illness don’t talk about alot to other people. He mentioned that his wife was having a hard time accepting all this that he felt like no one believes him. 

We have all been there. I have talked about it before how being this sick for so long can take its toll on any relationship. I feel like I have been a burden all these years. That nothing I was ever doing was ever good enough because I was not at my best. It has strained many relationships in my life including my marriage. It is an awful feeling knowing that you are not always pulling your weight and causing that person to pick up the slack. It is alot of pressure for someone. Overall, these people just don’t understand that we don’t want it this way, we want our lives back to whatever “normal” is or was. 

I wish that everyone this disease and many others like it could come with an instruction manual for all the people in your life, especially your spouses.  Maybe then it would not be so hard for them to accept. Maybe they could start to understand that we did not ask for this nor did we want it. It is, what it is….deal with it! If you truly love that person you should give that courtesy of believing them even if you can’t feel or see it for yourself. It takes a whole other level of commitment and love to move through the treatment of this disease. I hope that for most of you out there that you have a spouse and family that love you and are with you every step of the way. But for most I know you are in the same boat as I am, they can’t take it. They up and move on without you, never wanting to see you better and normal for the first time.  I have listened to many people that are back to “normal” now that say those people try to step back in your life after it is all over with. This pains me greatly. What makes them think you would want them back in your life if they can’t tough it out with you through the tough times. To me that shows a lack of character and commitment. There is no love there, it is a selfish relationship. Those people need to be purged from your life so a new and positive place opens up in your heart.

Ok enough of my side rant! To say the least here I am excited that my treatment is going in this direction because I know I will start to get better faster than I would on the pills. I will still be sick for a long time but there is an end in sight. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I maybe crawling there but I will get there, I can promise you that! I have great friends and a community of people like me all cheering me on, like I cheer for them. I will keep everyone posted!

I have to keep telling myself over and over again, this to will pass. You will come out stronger on the other side. People in your life that are not worthy will move on and true happiness awaits you on the other side. It will be a long bumpy road but you will get there one day. Keep your head held high and your emotions close because this is the ride of your life.

Stay Strong & Surround Yourself With People Who Love You!

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Remember Me…Remember You

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Remember me
Sweet and loving
Faithful and strong
Kind and devoted
Loyal and poised

Forget me
Bitter and scorned
Shattered and defeated
Harsh and faithless
Numb and rejected

Time has crippled what was once true
Rendered me broken
Remember who I was
Remember who you were

I want you to see me again
I want to see you again
I want you to love me once more
I want to love you again
I want you to know me again

Remember me
Beautiful and gentle
Gracious and passionate
Trustworthy and precious
Mother and wife

Remember me
I remember you

Lost To Me

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Distant and cold you stand before me
You plague me with rejection
Your lost to me

You deny me at every turn
Your words like fiery daggers
Looks that pierce my soul

You abandoned our love
You forgotten respect

You deserted all emotions
You took everything for granted

Wasted all our dreams
Opened the door to hate
Self-obsessed and thoughtless

I search for the heart I once knew
The sweet nothings in my ear
Your golden tongue

You have taken everything from me
Like a thief in the night
You escaped with my heart


Your lost to me

 

I Become

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Who have I become
Bitter and angry
Cold and distantRaging with emotions
Breaking at every point
Devastated by loss

Words pour from my soured mouth
Hate runs through my veins
My mind is haunted with memories

Sickness devours me
Isolated by suspicion
Drunk with dread

I hate who I have become
I hate what you have made me
I can’t find me

I want to break free
Rise from the ashes
Bring the light back to my eyes

It’s in the distance
Like a beacon in the night
Darkness chasing me

I want the blood to flow again
Pump me with joy
Let hope flow through me

I hate who I have become
I hate what you have made me
I can’t find me

 

Hide Away

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Hide away from the world
Let the darkness consume me
Venom runs through my veins
Time is ticking away

I need you
I want you
But I can’t reach you

Hide away from my fears
The light is fading away
Heart is turning cold
Time is eating me away

I love you
I hate you
I can’t find you

Hide my soul from the pain
Reach your hand through the black
Warm my heart with a kiss
Make time stand still again

I need you
I want you
I love you
Find me again

 

Letting It All Out….

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What better way to let all your emotions come flowing out then with music! I have compiled some playlists from Spotify for your listening enjoyment. I can’t say that you won’t need like fifty boxes of tissues or something to break afterwards but don’t say I didn’t fore warn you!

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Here is the real tear jerkers! Break out your tissues and some Ben & Jerry’s and get to cleansing your soul…#1 on this list to listen to is “Goodbye My Lover” by James Blunt….whew…if that doesn’t leave you sobbing like a baby I don’t know what will! I will post the lyrics below.

Break Up Songs~ Click the link 🙂

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“Goodbye My Lover”Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I’ve kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you.[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can’t break my spirit – it’s my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile.
I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.
I’d be the father of your child.
I’d spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine,
And I love you, I swear that’s true.
I cannot live without you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I’m asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I’m kneeling at your feet.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.
I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.


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Here are some random songs to cleanse some more…

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Here is some classical music to soothe your soul…Enjoy!


 

There Comes A Time….

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There comes a time when everyone must face what they don’t want to faceLife beats you into submission, till you decide to fight back. At some point you can not deny what is happening around you or hide from it. No one can save you but yourself. You have to tear away from all the thoughts of grandeur and obedience. Pick yourself up off the frigid floor. Stand before the looking glass and see the truth for what it is. Stop the lying, stop the pain and stop the hate. Be what you are at heart and see the light. Don’t let it drag you down again, down to the pits of Hell. Don’t go back to that place of solitude and fear. Pick up the pieces of the wreckage and move onward. Don’t look back. Hate awaits you in the rear view, and truth lies ahead. 

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Love has come and gone and there is no going back. The hatred tries its best to win you over and life throws you one devastating blow after another. You can not believe the things that you have been done just to cope. Being taken for granted at every turn. Everything you once knew is shattered. Pain consumes an icy heart and takes you farther from the light. Unthinkable acts replay over and over in your mind. You try to piece together the broken fragments but it is pointless. Useless to try and fix anything anymore. Love just does not exist here anymore. 

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You can try to fight back all the tears but they will come anyway. Try to hide the hurt but it shows through. Try to pretend, but it is no use. Forgotten dreams of hope vanish in the night. You realize everything you knew is a lie. Nothing is what it seems to be. It is all so empty, the void is endless. Look out to the night sky, let it consume you. Get lost in the stars. Try to find lost dreams. It all seems as if it is drifting farther and farther away. Just out of reach, taunting your every move. 

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Pray for the light to come, pray for the night to fade. Beg for redemption, beg for peace. Peace of mind and soul. Try to heal your wounds, pull the knives from your back and try to mend. Rise up from the ashes, be strong. Do not shed anymore tears for things that you can not change. Race to the light, do not let the darkness catch you. Just run, run as fast as you can. It is creeping up, so run. Just fly away, far…far away.

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Go to the light, love awaits you there. Peace beckons you. You can forgive but not forget. You become someone that I used to know. Go forth, the birth of a new life awaits you in the light.